


All Art Is Useless

by peace_love_happiness



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Asexual Relationship, Crowley's Statue (Good Omens), Fluff, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-14
Updated: 2019-06-14
Packaged: 2020-05-07 12:34:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,219
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19209529
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peace_love_happiness/pseuds/peace_love_happiness
Summary: Crowley smiled and promptly purchased the statue. It was well-made, after all, and it fit the aesthetic of his flat. He tried not to think too much about the resemblance between the statue and him and a certain fair-haired angel.





	All Art Is Useless

Once upon a time in the 1800s a man named Joseph Geef was commissioned by a church to make a statue of Lucifer, which he did. This statue of Lucifer had abs and was only covered with a small cloth. It was what several would consider to be sexy, and it distracted many young girls from their prayer and may have led a few on the Satanic path. So they commissioned Joesph’s brother to make another Lucifer statue. This one was also very sexy, but had a slightly larger cloth. The Church claimed this one was better, when really they had just run out of money and Geef brothers to commission. 

Crowley had nothing to do with this, believe it or not. (He may have taken credit for it, however.) The point is, humans in all eras have a tendency of sexualizing things you wouldn’t think would be sexualized. Whether they meant to or not, Crowley wasn’t too sure. Their subconsciouses had a tendency to run wild at times. 

This came to mind when Crowley was searching for decorations for his new flat in the late 1940s and found the statue in an antique shop. It was of an angel with dark wings and dark hair pinning an angel with light wings and light hair to the ground. The shopkeeper noticed he was looking at it, and, as shopkeepers do, he felt the need to tell Crowley all about it. 

“You’re interested in this statue, huh? I’m not sure who made it, but according to the person who sold it to me, it’s supposed to be good and evil fighting, with evil triumphing in the end..” said the man. “ Very deep, isn’t it?”

Crowley inspected the statue closely. “Are you sure they’re wrestling?” he asked. 

“What else would they be doing?” replied the shopkeeper, tilting his head.

Crowley smiled and promptly purchased the statue. It was well-made, after all, and it fit the aesthetic of his flat. He tried not to think too much about the resemblance between the statue and him and a certain fair-haired angel.

 

* * *

The statue moved into the hallway of Crowley’s apartment where he passed it every day. 

Angels weren’t wired for sex. Crowley knew some demons were, but he didn’t have much interest himself. Being close to Aziraphale like that would be nice, though. The two didn’t touch much. They were always close to each other, sure. Crowley revelled in Aziraphale’s prescence. Bu yet they never touched, he was rarely able to feel his warmth directly. It would be nice to cuddle, or hold hands, or hell, maybe just a shoulder pat every once in a while. 

During the Apocawasn’t, Crowley had slammed Aziraphale against the wall. While it was originally out of anger, Crowley had thought it was quite nice. Their noises had touched, and he could feel Aziraphale’s warmth. It was quite nice. Aziraphale hadn’t seemed to care too much about it either way, though. Too focused on saving the world.

 

* * *

Aziraphale didn’t notice the statue the first night he stayed over after the Apocawasn’t, no. There was too much planning for the switcheroo the next day. Shortly after that, Aziraphale moved in. While the forces of Heaven and Hell were leaving them alone for now, if they changed their minds, it would be safer to stick together. Or at least that’s what Crowley told Aziraphale, who seemed to agree. In his excitement over Aziraphale moving in however, he forgot all about the statue and what it may seem to represent. So of course Aziraphale noticed it the very day he moved in.

“What’s this, Crowley?” he asked, pointing at the damn thing. Crowley wondered if it was too late to teleport it to his room and pretend it was never there. But it’s not like the statue was explicitly bad, no. He could explain it away.

“Oh, just some statue I got at some antique shop a few decades back,” said Crowley.  
“It’s nothing much.”

“It’s… It’s very interesting, isn’t it?” sad Aziraphale, moving to the side of it to inspect it no closely. “Do you know who made it?”

“No, got it from some antique shop a few decades back. The shopkeeper claimed it was good and evil wrestling,” explained Crowley. “Evil’s winning, by the way.” he added.

“Wrestling?” Aziraphale tilted his head and looked at the statue closely. “It kind of looks like they’re… Embracing, doesn’t it?”

That’s a way of putting it, thought Crowley. “Oh, you know old human art. Everyone’s naked all the time. ”

Aziraphale frowned slightly at the statue. “Don’t they kind of look like us?” 

Crowley sputtered. “Not- Not really.”

“But the hair and the wings are the same,” said Aziraphale.

“Oh, not every angel with white wings and blond hair is you and not every demon with black wings and dark hair is me. Neither of us are that… Well-built,” he said, gesturing towards the muscles of the statue,

“Still, the general resemblance is the same, isn’t it? If you didn’t buy this because of that, why did you?” asked Aziraphale. 

“I told you, evil’s winning here,” said Crowley, trying to quickly think up an excuse. “Evil doesn’t usually win in these things, you know? Always good triumphing? It was nice to see my side come on… Top for once.”

“Crowley, we just spent about a week preventing evil from winning,” said Aziraphale.

That was a good point. “Oh, come on, angel. It’s a nice statue, isn’t it? Very well-made.”

Aziraphale nodded. “That’s true. Perhaps a little too… Passionate, but still. I don’t understand why humans have to make everything so… Erotic.”

“Who knows?” Crowley shrugged. 

“You don’t get it, either? I thought demons were into that sort of thing.”

“Not all, it’s about fifty-fifty,” explained Crowley.

“So you brought an erotic statue because…?” Aziraphale looked at his expectantly. 

“I…” Crowley stuttered, trying to think up an excuse, but none came to mind. “Fine! I may have brought the statue because it reminded me of you. A bit. It was a subconscious thing, probably, but it does.”

“But you don’t want to wrestle with me, right?”

“No, no wrestling. Just… They’re touching,” admitted Crowley. 

“Touching?”

“We don’t touch much, have you ever thought about that? We’re best friends but we never touch.”

“You want to touch?”

“I never said that,” muttered Crowley.

“Don’t take this the wrong way, dear, but you don’t really seem like a…” Aziraphale hesitated. “Touchy person.”

“What if I am?” snapped Crowley.

“Well, that’s fine. I wouldn’t mind it.”

“You wouldn’t?” Was it really this easy? 

“I don’t think so. We haven’t touched much, but the times we have were quite nice. That wall slamming was a bit much, but the actual contact was nice. What do you want? Hugs?”

Crowley wanted to do lots of different types of touching, but he figured hugs would be a good start. Not as basic as hand-holding, but kissing implied a lot more to a relationship than an amicable friendship, so that was probably a conversation for another day. “That would be nice,” he said.

Airaphale walked over and gave Crowley a hug, wrapping him in his arms. Crowley hugged back. Aziraphale was as warm and soft as he imagined. “Is this good?” he asked.

Crowley melted into the warmth of Aziraphale. “Yeah.”

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from the Preface of The Picture of Dorian Gray, where Oscar Wilde says a lot of pretentious quotes about art and ends on that.
> 
> Originally this fic was supposed to be, "let's make fun of Crowley's statue!" but then in the five or so days this has been sitting on my Google Docs I saw a gifset on tumblr of all the times Crowley and Aziraphale touched in Good Omens. It was like, five, and the only real notable one was the wall slamming. So you got this fic.
> 
> Yes, the [sexy Lucifer statue story](http://boredomtherapy.com/sexy-lucifer-statue/) is real. Why a church would want a statue of Lucifer is a very good question. Perhaps it was an undercover Satanic Church of Chattering Nuns or something like that.
> 
> Someone on the Twitter thread of Neil Gaiman’s tweet about the statue said it was based off of one called [The Wrestlers](https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Xwres8.jpg).  As you can see, they’re having a real good wrestle in that picture..
> 
> Tumblr [here](https://peace-love-happiness.tumblr.com/) is you want to shout to me about Good Omens and how much Aziraphale and Crowley love each other.


End file.
